WWYD – Two Timer

Your friend is dating Mr X. Seriously dating, as in talking marriage. You happen to hear from somewhere else that the same Mr X is actually dating someone else as well, in a different city. Upon further investigation it becomes obvious that he is two-timing both of these women. Do you tell your friend? Do you tell her he was seen with someone else in a different city and offer to give her the number of the person that knows the other woman he is dating, for verification purposes? Do you stay silent? Do you tell yourself it is none of your business but gently hint that he may not be right for her?


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  1. Talya says:

    If you’re absolutely sure this is this case, I would tell her. This goes beyond, “It’s really none of my business.” Your friend is wasting valuable time on this jerk, and she needs to be told so she can get on with her life- the sooner, the better.

    If it were you, wouldn’t you want to be told? I know I would.

    • HSaboMilner says:

      yes I would want to be told, but if i was that into him, then I wouldn’t believe what I was hearing.

      • batya from NJ says:

        maybe your friend won’t be THAT into him once she finds out that he’s not THAT into her ;)! and the truth is if she doesn’t want to listen, that is her problem but at least you made your effort & tried to be a good friend which is all you can do & truly what you should do!

      • Mark says:

        Hadassah – yes I would want to be told, but if i was that into him, then I wouldn’t believe what I was hearing.

        Yes. When they say love is blind, they aren’t kidding.

        And your friendship would be ruined. Or at a minimum forever altered.

  2. shorty says:

    how close are you to this friend?
    she should be told, but the news might be taken more seriously, if it came from someone she was really close with.

    I was dating a guy once who ended up cheating on me. One friend tried to “hint” which i didn’t pick up on, but another friend ended up telling me right away. I appreciated that. When friend A found out Friend B had told me, friend B admitted she tried to hint but didn’t pick up on it. I asked her why she didn’t tell me, she said she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. But my looking really stupid was ok.

    anyway, that being said, she absolutely should be told, if not by you, then by a close friend she trusts.

  3. izziedarling says:

    Tough call but from a health perspective I think you have to tell her. Chances are, she already suspects something.

  4. Frayda says:

    You must be straight up and honest with your friend. No one likes to be two timed. You will be saving her time and emotional energy in the long run even if it upsets her now.

  5. lady lock and load says:

    I would ask a very big Rabbi what I should do. Laws of loshon horah involved here.

    • What’s the question of lashon hara? It’s for a benefit, and I think you can assume that this guy, having demonstrated his lack of ethical concern, isn’t going to accept your rebuke to him first. So according to the laws of lashon hara, you should be able to go straight to the friend.

      • lady lock and load says:

        There are certain conditions that are supposed to be fullfilled in order for it to be a benefit. laws are very complex.

    • Chanief says:

      The concern for hilchos lashon hara taking precedence someone’s emotional and psychological well being is a big problem within the frum community. I have seen it time and time again, where one person is hurt and heartbroken because no one told them what they needed to know – all l’sheim shamayim of course.

      I know you’re just suggesting that a Rabbi is consulted because of the potential of violating those laws because you truly believe they are vital, but the narrow mindedness of this attitude and the lack of concern for someone’s well being never fails to get under my skin. Do you consult a Rabbi every time you lightheartedly gossip with a friend or hear something juicy about a neighbor?

  6. Mark says:

    One additional comment. Before saying anything be sure, BE ABSOLUTELY SURE. Who knows, the girl in the other city could be his sister or some other relative, or a business partner, or something else.

  7. sheldan says:

    If absolutely sure, there would be no question I would tell her. If the evidence points to it, and she were willing to listen to me, I could lay out the facts and then she would have to make a decision.

    As Batya from NJ said, if she didn’t listen, there would be nothing more you could do. If the friendship is ruined/permanently altered (as Mark and Hadassah noted), that’s unfortunate, but at that point that’s the woman’s problem.

    With all due respect, LLL, it may not always be necessary to contact a rabbi for every question. You may just drive yourself crazy trying to do the right thing. Sadly, as Chanie said, there are people who follow the letter of the law and wind up hurting their fellow Jews.

    It would pay all of us to learn more about shemirat halashon so we can avoid those errors. As I understand it telling the woman can be for a constructive purpose (not to hurt another human being or at least make them look stupid)–and in this case, passing on the information would be permitted. So my take on this is that I would probably inform the woman, but be careful about it.

  8. wendy greenspan says:

    first, i would ask myself wwould i want someone to tell me – and the answer if definetely yes. Truth is always better – the hurt may be bad in the present, but i am guessing the hurt down the road would be harder to handle.

  9. I had a similar situation and I asked a Rav who told me to go the person’s Rabbi and ask him what to do and to preferably get him to intervine so the friendship will remain stable.

    In a situation, such as you described, she is going to need friends.

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