What defines picky?

I love when my readers send me questions – I am going to answer this one briefly, and then turn it over to you, my loyal and knowledgeable blog readers.


I stumbled upon your blog and had a question for the Royal Highness QoH. How many [shidduch] dates is it normal for a guy to go on? I’m trying to determine at what point does one get the title ‘picky’.

Your humble servant,


Well Y, you give me no indication of your age, but I am going to assume you are a young man at that time in his life when school is over, and it’s time to settle down and get married, have kids, take on a mortgage and pay tuition. (Run while you can – j/k).

You are looking for a woman who will share the rest of your life with you – 50 plus years. Pickiness, I would think, needs to be present in some form or another, otherwise you’d marry the first girl that came along, whether or not she’s right for you.

Now, if the reason you are rejecting certain girls is a petty one (she’s not a size 4 or her eyes are the wrong colour), then yes, you may label yourself as “picky” but if you are dating, going out, but the magic isn’t happening yet – don’t despair. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right one. (A friend of mine dated 57 men. She married the 58th – does that make her picky?)

I will tell you this – dating is frustrating for sure, and add in the societal pressure in our communities to be married – oy – but you have to do things at your own pace so you get it right.

Look, Y, I finally found my KoD – and he was worth all the stress and the dating horror stories and the angst and the whole ball of wax. Hang in there, stay focused and good luck.

So readers, can you weigh in? What would you like to tell Y?

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  1. batya from NJ says:

    Y, I think ‘normal’ varies from person to person in terms of how long to continue Shidduch dating b/f making a huge life commitment! I am often concerned for couples who get engaged to each other after dating only a few times & who haven’t gone out with other people. Then again, who’s to say that their marriage won’t be as successful as another couple who had more dating experience & had dated for a longer period of time.

    Bottom line, you don’t really know someone until you marry them (which is a true but scary thought) & personally I am happy that I dated my husband for a long time & thankfully felt that I knew him well enough to be comfortable committing to a life together. I had a kallah teacher who recommended that one should know the person s/he wishes to marry for at least a year from the time they meet until they get married b/c people change over the seasons & it’s ideal to know someone throughout the 4 seasons of the year b/f getting married. She also suggested that Orthodox couples take as long as necessary to date b/f getting engaged but once they do get engaged, they should aim for as short of an engagement as is possible in order to try to stay committed to Halacha.

    Anyhow, hatzlacha to you in your dating journey & my advice to you is “take your time” but don’t ‘shlep’ for years & years dating someone if you really don’t think you want to marry her b/c all that will do is lead her on & nothing positive can be gained from that!

  2. Z! says:

    If you are a man, looks are somewhat important. There is no use dating a girl who is great, but doesn’t physically do anything for you. This just gets the girl more emotionally attached by a long term dating relationship and frankly, I don’t think that a man’s attraction to a woman changes much over prolonged exposure.
    This is usually the reverse for women who have a tendency to grow to like the attitude/emotional connection and can “get over” physical limitations more easily over time.
    If you find the person basically physically attractive, keep dating. Don’t expect to be hit by a thunderbolt, but you must have some spark/interest.

  3. lady lock and load says:

    I think the question for “Y” may be the following…. does HE feel he may be too picky and has dificulty commiting to marriage? I know someone who had this problem and went for counseling and ended up happily married.
    Noone has the right to call you “Picky” by the way, cause YOU are the one to live with this person for the rest of your life!

  4. Y says:

    Hi everyone,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the matter. First off, QoH, I am 22. In other words, your average young guy going out and dating trying to find ‘the one’ and fall in love! Interesting way you used the word ‘pickiness’. If I understand correctly, it seems pickiness is a necessity, to a certain extent of course. (Size 4? My sisters always told me size zero!)

    I’m definitely not the one that focuses on looks. Of course she obviously needs to be attractive to me. But my main focus for attractiveness is who she is as a person, and what she has to offer. I don’t consider myself picky, but I would say I am far ahead of your average 22 year old guy so its hard to find a girl to fit my standards. I was out of college at 20. Ran a few companies. Support several organizations. Live a far above average lifestyle for someone my age. At merely 22, i’ve already been by quite a lot. The average girls i’m fed are in the ages 18-20, and are mostly straight out of seminary. Some are working in a school, and similar. I find it very difficult to relate to them, and they mostly discuss ‘child’ topics. Now having fun is totally my thing, but these girls seem – well let’s just say ‘immature’ to me. I do have 5 sisters, so i’m pretty girl savvy and know the wants and needs of a girl. But for some reason, I don’t find much to discuss on dates – at least nothing that interests me. I cant imagine anything is wrong with me, since 9 out of 10 the girl ‘stalks’ me after I say no.

    So what is it?? Any ideas?

  5. batya from NJ says:

    Y, maybe you should consider dating girls who are 21 & older who may seem more sophisticated to you & may have more experiences behind them (more so than the typical BY grad who is straight out of seminary & working as an assistant teacher in a local yeshiva) as that might be more appealing to you since you seem more accomplished than the average 22 year old guy (especially these days..)

  6. Baila says:

    I’d even take it a step further than batya and say date girls 2-3 years older than you are. Yes, an “older woman” may be more self-assured, well-rounded and therefore easier t0 talk to.

    I have two friends who married guys two and three years younger than them and it really has been a non-issue in their marriages.

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