Update from Roni

Remember our recent Heinous or Harmless post? Roni sent me an update:

I decided not to see him again, but the hair covering issue was not the deciding factor. It was definitely an indicator that we were not on the same page hashkafically.

This man was nice, he would have been a great role model for my children in tefillah, kovea itim, and ahavat Eretz Yisrael. However, we did have some fundamental hashkafic differences, and I felt he was not ready to sacrifice some of his idealism and personal comfort to help raise my children (and future children!) in an environment in which I would be comfortable.

The responses to the post were enlightening and there are many points that I disagree with, but I am not going to answer them point by point. I would like to say that when you are a widow, there is a very fundamental difference than a divorcee. In my case, my past relationship didn’t dissolve, fall apart, or end acrimoniously. It ended with love and sacrifice, and a commitment to keep my husband’s memory alive for my children. I am completely dedicated to honoring him and the years and gifts he gave me. Covering my hair falls into that as it honors the fact that I had a wonderful marriage, have wonderful children, and have a different halachik standing than other single women.

BUT I am in NO WAY holding on to him as a person or as a husband. I am ready for a NEW relationship.

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8 Comments

  1. Hatzlacha to you & hope you find the right guy for you b’sha’ah tovah/in the right time :)!!

  2. Z! says:

    I second what Batya has to say. I believe that in the right time with the right guy you will find a lasting relationship again. B’sha’ah Tovah.

  3. Third it! I’m sure someone has already offered this and they are probably already in your dating pool. I wonder if it might be easier to find a guy who has already been married and divorced or widowed. A lot of single women I know steer clear of men who have that kind of experience but I feel that a lot of these men know what they want much more than men who have never been married. Obviously, it’s really about the person in the end and the connection.

  4. Batya says:

    G-d willing, Roni will find the right man to be a good husband to her and father to her children.

  5. fille says:

    I hope he will forgo the sheitel issue and you will come back together.

    I am often astonische for which reasons people reject potential partners. It looks to me as if they were looking through a catalogue (a bit like in the princess diaries) and rejecting one because the nose is too big and one because his parents divorced and one because there are slight differences in hashakfa.

  6. Z! says:

    Fille, sometimes one can be too picky while choosing a mate, but sometimes one isn’t able to just “look past” cetain things and it will remain a thorn in the side for years to come. Also, we CANNOT CHANGE OUR SPOUSES.
    If the person you’re dating has something, some trait or behaviour, that drives you nuts, it is useless to think that “with time you can change it”. There is a spouse out there for everyone.

  7. lady lock and load says:

    Roni, I had a feeling that there was more to this than just the shaitel…that you were different than him hashkafically and I think I mentioned it in Hadassah’s other post.
    May Hashem send your intended one in the right time, wishing you Hatzlocha Rabba!

  8. Woodrow says:

    This whole discussion reminds me of lawyers’ discussion of the “canons of construction” (rules judges should use to resolve ambuiguities in the law, most of which of course contradicts each other). So here are two for dating:
    1. You should be focused and know what you want.
    2. You should be flexible.
    Two seemingly wise rules- which of course in practice are (to put it charitably) in some tension with each other!

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