Moving On

It’s always hard when other people move on with their life, and leave you in the dust. Sometimes it’s friends getting married first, having babies first, graduating first. Other times it’s a lot more painful – an ex spouse moving ahead with their life and settling down anew with someone else.

I remember the day clearly when I got the call that my ex was moving on. It was a while after our Get (a year probably), but extremely soon after our civil divorce was granted. Like, within hours.

We had both had time to grieve our marriage and I knew he was dating again – the kids kept no secrets no matter how much they were told to stay quiet. I had started to date, but I wasn’t fully invested in it. I just wasn’t ready.

He gave me the courtesy of calling me first to let me know that he would be telling the kids that night – he had them for dinnertime – that he was engaged and would be getting married. I wanted to wish him mazel tov, but the words stuck in my throat. I had an hour or two until he was going to pick the kids up from my apartment and I couldn’t say a word to them. I also couldn’t fall apart in front of them either.

The minute they left, I called up a friend to vent. I was in tears. It wasn’t about me still wanting to be with him – that ship had totally sailed. It was about the fact that how could he be ready to move on with his life, when I was still alone and, truthfully, still grieving for our 12-year marriage. And it was too soon. And who is she, will she be nice to my boys? Yes, there was also “what does she have that I didn’t?” – but even as I was thinking that, I knew it was irrational.

I am glad I heard the news from him, and not from the boys. He did the right thing by calling me first. When the KoD  and I got engaged, I did the same thing. It’s common courtesy and it should not be discounted.

The day they got married was a tough one. The boys were not at their wedding as it happened abroad. But they talked about it. It hurt. I hadn’t yet met my Mr Right and here he is all happily married and posting wedding pics on Facebook.

Looking back I wish I hadn’t wasted all those tears. Look who I found! I met my KoD a few months later and my life has been sunshine and roses ever since (well, apart from the immigration saga). But when you are not the first to move on it really does hurt. It isn’t necessarily logical, it’s visceral, it’s painful,  but it does pass.

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  1. Emotion has its own logic. I think it IS logical, and I think you’ve explained it honestly and well. I wonder if this isn’t just the message someone needs – and imagine they’ll just happen across your blog this week, or later, and it will ring true. It won’t instantly heal the hurt, but it’ll be the reassurance they need – voiced credibly enough they’ll believe – that the hurt will pass.

  2. batya from NJ says:

    When I read this post last night, I also felt that this was most likely written now to give Chizuk (strength, encouragement & reassurance) to a friend who will benefit from it which hopefully she will.

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