In Praise of the Men in my Life

I have to tell you, I could not have pulled off this barmitzvah without the KoD. He has been my rock and my support, my sounding board, and my comfort. He provided reason and rationality where I was emotional and perhaps not seeing the bigger picture (I did get a teensy bit stressed once or twice). He balances me. He completes me. His unconditional love surrounds me daily. I am in total awe of him.

I am also thankful to my ex-husband. How hard it must be to come to a different community (in a different country) to celebrate a son’s barmitzvah – a community where the ex-wife is married to someone else, and the couple are entrenched within this community where he has no connection. But he came, along with his wife and their families – and they were welcomed with such warmth by us and the community.

He has worked hard along with me to put the post-divorce bitterness and resentment behind us, and to focus on the children at every point. I could not have this kind of relationship with him if he was NOT interested in the boys’ best interests. From day one we have both been focused on doing what’s right for the boys – and to have a willing partner in that is a gift beyond measure.

My boys do not ever have to choose between their parents. They are free to love us both (plus our spouses) equally without reservation, without worry of disloyalty. As co-parents, we back up the other’s decisions even if we disagree. We take that disagreement to a private discussion.

I cannot tell you what a bracha it was to celebrate this barmitzvah with both sides of the family and for everyone to feel comfortable. To welcome everyone into our home and into our community and not be afraid of someone saying the wrong thing – how special is that? Even in families without various steps and exes and all of that, simchas are fraught with stress…how much more so in our situation??

My children are of the impression that this peaceful co-existence is somewhat normal in divorced and remarried / blended families, but as we all know, this is far from the norm. But I so appreciate the support from the KoD, from my ex, from his wife, from the whole family – we are all doing our best for these kids, to make sure they grow up properly, with the right values. How important it is for them to learn that you can have differences, even huge ones that may lead to discontent and divorce, but you can move past them if you want to, if you strive to, if you are motivated to do so. They can take this lesson and apply it to their own lives – to failing tests, or losing a friendship etc – how priceless is this lesson?

There was so much love in that room over the weekend – so many people to love my boys. They are blessed beyond compare.

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  1. Kim says:

    You are very lucky to have reached this point. Even more lucky, are your sweet boys. You are an inspiration to me, and I am sure to other divorced parents on how it “can” be if both parties work really hard.

  2. Elayne says:

    Your post brought tears to my eyes. Both families are blessed to be at this point. I am certain that it was not easy.

  3. Chana says:

    Touching. Mazel tov again.

  4. KoD says:

    “…I did get a teensy bit stressed once or twice.” Once or twice??? :-)

    QoH, seriously, you did a phenomenal job!!! And, I am truly blessed to have you and the boys in my life!!

  5. Erica says:

    Kol HaKavod, Hadassah. You are so right. What you have created is not the norm.

  6. Miriam Shenny says:

    Big Mazal Tov to you and all your family. I read your posts with teared filled eyes and a huge lump in my throat of happiness. I am so happy for you to have this support as I know you longer than most people you are in touch with now. Well done Hadassah! I will be asking you for tips as my son has his big day next summer.It has to be said that you both have made new lives for yourselves which also contributes alot.Lets not forget the one above, who looks over all the universe far and wide!

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