I am turning 40 according to the Gregorian calendar next weekend. Flowers, chocolate and jewellery are all appreciated .
It’s always seemed like a watershed moment in my life – a definitive age at which I am supposed to have my life together. Well, that hasn’t really happened, BUT I am more accepting of who I am, and am more aware of my own personal strengths and weaknesses.
At 30 I was in a marriage that was not right for me. I had 4 very small children, and was very afraid of the future, and at 30 had not yet found the inner strength to make the necessary changes.
I found turning 30 was so very hard. I had given birth 10 months prior to what I knew would be my last child – and knowing I was heading into my 30s with no more babies seemed to be so tragic to me. Looking back, I laugh at myself. I had four perfect children – what on earth was I worried about in that department? So I wouldn’t have a daughter, BIG DEAL. But it was, then. That possibly was also a symptom of other issues that at the time I couldn’t focus on – who’s to know?
I wasn’t to know that while my early 30s would be a time of upheaval and terrible, crushing sadness, that there was love and hope to be found. That by the time that decade was half over, my new book would begin. That the final words of marriage #1 would have been spoken, that the marriage would be dissolved, and the KoD loomed on the horizon, waiting for me to be ready to come and find him.
Ten years on and I like myself. I have forgiven myself for being the quiet little mouse afraid to make the necessary life changes in order to improve my life (and that of my kids). When push came to shove I stood up for my truth, and forged ahead, even though the path was narrow and lonely and oh-so-very hard. The timid mouse has become a loud Mama Bear, a proud one, one who won’t take any sh!t from anyone.
I am not the same woman I was at 30. I am stronger. I am better. I am empowered.
I will head into my 40s knowing that this decade will be better than the last. My children are bigger now, people with minds of their own, and almost out of the door with lives to lead without Mama Bear at the helm. This could be the decade I become a grandmother, but we are SO not going there. This is the decade that my marriage to the KoD will continue to be strong, continue to be a light and an example to our kids. This is the decade of HaDassah. This is the decade of ME. This is the decade of doing the things I always pushed off to one day in the future. My future is now.