Secrets

 

Most women have best friends, ones they talk to about their deepest darkest fears, about their hopes and dreams, those stories that they can’t really tell anyone else, but they know their BFF will totally understand. Our BFFs know, without being reminded, that everything we share is not for public consumption.

 

But, what if you or your BFF are married? Is it fair to ask the BFF not to share information with the spouse? Or should one expect a married couple to share everything?

 

My rule of thumb is as follows. Spouses need to share most things – keeping secrets is bad for a relationship. BUT there are some BFF confidences that spouses really do not need to know. If one has shared some bedroom problems, or some very personal health issue, or an upcoming surprise for a spouse – those are ok secrets to keep.

 

Most of the time I imagine that whatever I share will get shared with the husbands – even if it probably isn’t. I don’t want to be the person telling my best friend that she cannot tell her husband what I told her. I don’t want to be the cause of marital discord. In the same vein, I think my BFFs know there is a likelihood of me sharing stuff with my hub. (Truth be told tho, I have other things to talk about with the KoD – we don’t sit there and dish about everyone.)

 

What do you think? Do you share everything with your spouse? Should you?

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11 Comments

  1. I have to admit, I pretty much share everything with Anth. I do tend to keep some secrets though since we are mutual friends with other couples and some chickie stuff isn’t for spouse consumption. I think about what I share and would I want it coming back up during a dinner out with friends? No? Then don’t tell Anth :)

  2. I would never keep any health problems from my spouse. bedroom problems? I think it’s inappropriate to discuss such things out of a relationship, unless you are planning on ending that relationship some time in the very near future.

    Me and B tell each other everything…maybe too much even. :)

  3. Rifki says:

    Abandoning Eden: I couldn’t agree with you more. We tell each other everything — there’s no such thing as too much, when it comes to your spouse, especially when he’s your best friend.

  4. hadassahsabo says:

    ok ladies, we all agree that our spouses (spice?) are our best friends. but would you share with your husband your friend’s confidences and secrets?

    Elianah – I agree that some chickie stuff is to be kept private – the men don’t even want to know some of the stuffw eDO tell them!

    Eden – I tend to overshare too – don’t think there is anything wrong with that. at least then your partner knows you are on the same page.

    Rifki – if i told you something in strict confidence (sure i have at some point in the last umpteen years) – would you share it with your hubby or not? (i would never ask you NOT to, but just asking all the same)

  5. Lion of ZIon says:

    i’m not a woman and i don’t have a BFF, but here it goes

    a) my general rule of thumb is that if you don’t want information to spread then don’t tell your BFF or *anyone* else. i.e., trust no one.

    b) there is a difference between not sharing and actual lying. if your BFF tells you a secret about her health, you are not obligated go home and share this info with your spouse. the bigger problem is if then you spouse then inquires of you how the friend’s health has been recently.

  6. Z! says:

    I think it is safe to assume that whatever you say out loud will be shared with others.
    No matter how “trust worthy” the BFF, sometimes we slip, or don’t think that what one might consider a “big deal secret” is a “big deal” at all to the person listening, and therefore, can be shared.

    My hubbie and I share most things. But, I will usually not go into a ton of detail regarding my conversations, unless I feel there is a problem he can help to solve, info he needs to know for his schedule, or good news to share.

  7. SaraK says:

    I’m not married, but if your friend shares something with you, why is that considered keeping a secret from your spouse? If I confide in a friend, I would expect her not to share that confidence with her husband, if I asked her not to. I think that keeping your own personal secret from your husband is not OK, but a friend’s? And does your husband really want to hear about everything you dish with your girlfriends?

  8. I assume that if I tell someone something that they will tell their spouse. If I don’t want them to tell, I specifically request that they don’t.

    Perhaps wrongly, I assume people will do the same of me. I also tend to ask a friend if it’s okay if I tell my dh if I think it’s questionable. (I.e. friend: “I have something I need to tell you, it’s really private.” me: “Okay, you know I’m here for you anytime you need. Is this something I shouldn’t tell DH?”)

  9. lady lock and load says:

    Not that I am such a tzaddaikes, but the laws of loshon horah apply, even between husband and wife. There are plenty of things I don’t share with my husband because of the laws of loshon horah. The less you tell them about other people, the better.

  10. laura says:

    if my bff confides something to me, it is to me, and that is as far as it goes. it doesnt go further otherwise she/he wouldnt be able to have confidence that it is in a safe place. my bond with my bff, is between us two. not us three.

  11. No secrets between a couple means no secrets about each other!

    I absolutely do not share my friends’ confidences with my husband (with RARE exception).

    Just as I expect professionals (doctors, therapists, counselors) to respect the privacy of their patients/clients, I expect a friend to respect that as well. And I demand nothing less from myself.

    I would not want my spouse to know anything that might embarrass him or my friends, and vice versa.

    There are times when a friend or I have clarified this issue with each other before continuing to share private, and sensitive, information.

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