Quick Rip or Slow Peel?

When we are talking band aids – do you rip em off fast or slowly peel the edges and slowly remove it? I am a ripper. I am a ripper for band aids and for life. If something is going to be painful, I would rather get it over and done with as fast as possible. You give me a choice between good news and bad news – I want the bad first.

When it’s time for me to leave my KoD and make the trek back to Montreal, I want to just wake up and get on the road, and not have a long goodbye. It’s torture. Leaving him, I feel as if my heart is being cut out of my chest. Just knowing, as we are eating breakfast together, that within a short while I will be on my way back, it hurts. Every time I look at him I want to just drink him in for hours, so that I remember every detail of his face, the wattage of his gorgeous smile, the love within his eyes. The more I am with the KoD, the more I fall in love with him, which makes it so much harder to leave him. Sometimes I wish I could leave while he slept, so that the pain of separation is not so intense…but that would hurt too.

I end up being almost businesslike, cold, distant, I think. It’s like I strap on a suit of armour to protect my heart from ripping. But there is no armour in the world that can prevent that. It’s almost like I need to make an emotional disconnection in order for me to be able to leave without tears and hysterics. I have gotten better at it. I usually don’t cry anymore upon leaving. Although it only takes until a particularly sappy song comes on the radio during my drive, and my stiff upper lip just dissolves. I try to be stoic. But me and stoic are not the best of friends. I am a highly emotional being. The KoD is stoic. He doesn’t cry when I leave. Not outwardly. I know it hurts him, but he can compartmentalize. And rationalize. And be able to look ahead 12 days until we are together again. (KoD – if I am wrong let me know…). I can look ahead too – but I need to deal with the pain of being apart from him first.

Going into this marriage we knew we would have to deal with this separation. We knew it would take a few months to get the papers sorted out. What we didn’t know was that it would be this long or this difficult. I hope and pray that we are together permanently by the time our first wedding anniversary comes along – Feb 15th 2010 – and that this pain of separation will soon be a distant memory.

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  1. I’m too hairy. Ripping it off is excruciatingly painful, not to mention being an unintentional depilitation. I do it micron by micron. My wife tells me to use vaseline.

  2. Lady Lock and Load says:

    Hugs! Hopefully you will be able to move here very soon! Good thing you guys got married right away and didn’t wait till you could move down here, now that would have been sheer torture….

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