Positivity Sucks

Being positive is one of the hardest things to be sometimes. After Monday’s upset, and the KoD leaving on Tuesday, I had a serious talk with myself, and made myself leave the wallowing and pity parties behind, and focus on the good, and look to the future. I even bought into it for a day or two.

Since Friday morning I have been fighting a severe case of the blahs. Maybe it is just the usual cruddiness of being far from the KoD. Maybe it’s uncertainty for this whole immigration thing. Maybe it’s lack of decent sleep – when I do sleep I am riddled with anxiety dreams. Maybe it’s just everything all rolled into one huge ball.

I am trying so hard to stay positive especially for the kids. This has been a long hard road and we are almost at the end of it. I am just so plain tired of it all. I just want to be with my KoD and never have to say goodbye again. I want to get on with the rest of my life.

Right now apparently my body (my mind?) needs to be in a foul rotten mood. It needs to ignore the phone, and be anti-social, it needs to not be with people. The weird thing is that I am well aware I am in this mood, I am well aware that it sucks for everyone around me, but I cannot seem to dig out of it. Maybe I just need to hunker down and ignore the world until I am in a better place emotionally. Probably safer for everyone that way.

But that is a slippery slope. And it isn’t fair to those who care about me to be ignored. I do not often indulge these feeling sorry for myself moods – I know better than to let them consume me. I cannot seem to stop it this time. Sigh.

I hate feeling like this. When the KoD is with me, he makes me feel stronger. He banishes all the bad stuff just by being present. My positivity returns with a vengeance. Maybe I just have had enough of trying to be strong by myself. Maybe I am fed up of being on my own even though I have an awesome husband (who lives 333 miles away)? Maybe, just maybe, I have gotten to the point that I am totally fed up with all the bureaucracy – it has been 14 months since we married and started the whole process.

I know it is just paperwork. I know that BH we all have our health and a roof over our heads and food in our belly. I know I have to do my Hishtadlut (due diligence) and get the paperwork in order (again). It’s all in the process. It’s far from impossible and will get done. So why, why when it is only paperwork and everything else is ok, am I so down in the dumps?

I need to go for a long walk…..333 miles long to be precise….

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  1. lady lock and load says:

    HUGGS! It is totally understandable that you are very sad and dissappointed and don’t want to show your face right now. I’m sure things will look up real soon and you will be able to be in a better and more positive mood. you’re only human!

  2. mekubal says:

    Can’t give you hugs because of the Shomer thing, but your situation really does suck.

    From a Kabbalistic angle if you are able to accept it as a kapparah it would a major Zecut for you and your children and grandchildren for generations to come. I know that is harder said than done… but if you can…

    Otherwise we will keep davening for you and wishing you the best.

  3. batya from NJ says:

    as humans we all go through good times & less than good times which inevitably affect our moods. of course it is helpful to try to always see the good to help maintain a positive attitude but in reality it isn’t always possible to do that.

    i think we all agree that your situation (being so far from your KoD) is very challenging & we all feel for you & want to see you guys living “happily ever after” under one roof !

    i think you (& the rest of us) were all assuming/hoping that the immigration appt would pass w/o a hitch & when there were glitches, that was a huge disappointment to all. my husband often says that the root of all unhappiness is expectation discrepancy & i think that applies here as well since the results of the meeting were not at all what we all expected them to be & that is hard to accept.

    i’m sure i speak for all of us when i say that we are all rooting for you guys & we hope that all the necessary paperwork gets filed & processed ASAP so that you can FINALLY begin to have a normal married life with the KoD! It sure as heck is about time :)!

  4. sheldan says:

    If you actually walked the 333 miles, you’d get some great exercise…KIDDING!

    Seriously, remember “gam zeh ya’avor” (do I really need to translate this?).

    Here in Memphis, Nancy (my queen) and I are pulling for you. The bureaucracy will eventually get your paperwork and you will be with your king soon!

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