Perfect Marriage?

I am so sick of people telling us that we have the perfect marriage, because we only see each other every other weekend. These people think that because we don’t live under the same roof we can’t nag each other nor fight and then we will have wild weekends when we are together. “The best of both worlds”. We can nag and we can fight – whether we do or not is our business. The wild weekends – mind your own business!! People think that when we are apart we can enjoy the single life and not get caught by the other for having too much fun without them. This is such a fallacy.

Living apart and being married, folks, is horrible. Yes, there is that excitement to see each other that is still there after 5 months, and generally when you see someone daily, that excitement does wear off. When you do have a disagreement it is worse, because the phone doesn’t show you the facial expressions, you can’t necessarily feel the nuances of someone’s mood when you aren’t with them. (yeah, we all know I am the moody one). When you are having a really bad day you just want to come home to your spouse, close the door, and focus your attention on what really matters. But when coming home to your spouse entails a drive of 333 miles, it isn’t quite so easy.

I am a total social butterfly. I have a lot of friends and love hanging out with them and my kids. I plan on being the same once I move but the difference will be that I will totally enjoy hanging out with my KoD and my friends and their spouses and all the kids. I do go out a lot here, but every time I wish the KoD was joining us. Ok maybe a time or two its totally girlie time and I know I will need that once I move too. I am sick of going to weddings alone, although the truth is, at most of these weddings we wouldn’t be sitting together anyway. I am sick of being sick and having no help – I have had a migraine for two days and have to push myself to do everything the kids need because I have no choice. If the KoD was with me he would help me to get better faster by pitching in when needed. Without question. And he would dote on me and do all he could to make me feel better.

For him, I can’t even imagine how hard it is once I have left after the weekend, coming home to an empty house. No one there waiting for him after work, with supper cooking and a “how was your day?” At least I have the noise and chatter of the Princes, and the occasional squishes. Having coffee alone in the mornings without looking at my grumpy un-caffeinated face must be so tough (wait a sec, isn’t that a plus?).

But the worst is a Shabbat apart. BH this summer it hasn’t happened too much as the kids are off school so it’s easier to travel. But sitting down to Friday night dinner, with one’s spouse hundreds of miles away is a killer. I cry every Friday night when my kids sing Eshet Chayil and my KoD isn’t there. Mind you I cry when I am with the KoD and he sings it to me. But the first are tears of sadness and the second are tears of joy and contentment.

There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t think about my husband, not an event, not a phone call, NOTHING that happens without him being foremost in my mind. I wake up with thoughts of him on my mind, having dreamed of him, trying to catch those dreams before they fade into the ether. We know where the other one is all the time, but it doesn’t help to assuage the loneliness. I am always thinking of ways to drive down and surprise him, except I don’t do it because the kids have to come first.

So all of you out there who say you envy us, don’t. This commuter marriage has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. When you next see your spouse this morning, or after work tonight, you can touch him / her, have a hug, breathe the same air. Sleep together, wake up together, eat together. Every day. One day the KoD and I will have that and we will appreciate it more than other couples. But right now, it isn’t our reality and our reality is harder than anyone might think. Missing him is an ache that never heals – when we see each other it’s a balm for that ache, but it starts back up again the minute we part. So, don’t wish for what you don’t understand.

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  1. batya from NJ says:

    you know the old expression, “the grass is greener on the other side” so perhaps the ppl. that seem to envy your lifestyle are not completely happy in their marriages & secretly wish for some time apart from their spouses. BH, i am happy with my husband (despite the normal occasional spats & disagreements) & i would never want that for myself but every person & every marriage is different. Personally, i was never enchanted by the bungalow lifestyle no matter how many ppl. raved about it b/c i had no interest in being separated from my husband during the week but others loved it. different strokes for different folks i say. also, ppl. may be trying to make you feel better by pointing out the “benefits” of your long distance marriage. personally, i was never fond of long-distance dating either. in my opinion, the ideal marriage is to be living together in 1 house & my hope for you is that you would be doing just that REAL soon!!!

  2. Giti says:

    wow sounds tough, hang in there, not sure why you guys are doing this but keep strong, in regards to those jealous of your marraige, shame on them! People unfortunately are jealous of others, just ignore them, I know it is much easier said than done!

  3. hadassahsabo says:

    Giti – welcome! the short answer as to why – my husband lives in NY, and I and my sons live in Montreal. We cannot move down until we get the visas from US immigration. we didnt want to wait to get married (its tough for us frum people….) so this was what we had to do.

    read our love story here

  4. ladylockandload says:

    Maybe those people are not jealous, just trying to make you feel better.
    I would think that being apart makes it very stressful and lonely. I don’t know how you manage, maybe you will write a best seller about this and become famous (and very rich!) Soon this part of your life will be over. And then you will really appreciate things that I take for granted.

  5. Z! says:

    Y do people say stupid things? That is a stupid and obvious question.

    4 months of long distance dating was tough enough, but trying to create a successful marriage?

    Those that feel that they would enjoy so much time apart from their spouse and children do not have the type of marriage that you want/need, or are not talking from any actual experience. Either way, it makes me sad. There is independence, and then there is a need to seperate.

    Especially at the beginning of a marriage, I would certainly hope you have no wish to spend much time apart.

  6. ladylockandload says:

    Absolutely Z! When I was first married I got a stomach ache saying good bye to my husband when I went to work every morning, even though I would see him later that day, it was soo hard!

  7. le7 says:

    hmmm. It was miserable enough waiting to meet, then having to wait 3 months to get engaged, and now 4 months to get married. I don’t see how people could view long periods of away time during marriage as nice.

  8. anonymous says:

    I know what you are talking about. everyone is saying how happy you must be when you meet, but noone knows how you cry every time one of you has to leave.
    been through that and it’s no fun. You should know that eventually this challenge will bring you closer, and every time you might get angry at him for a minor thing, you will remember how you both fought and struggled for the chance to be together.

  9. I’m sorry it is so difficult, I never thought something like that would be easy.

    The things that give you the most joy are the things that take the most work. This will make you and your husband stronger as pepole and stronger as a couple. I hope what I wrote here gives comfort.

  10. Caytlyn says:

    A bit late I know – but you have my sympathy. The hardest period of my married life so far was 3 months spent in different hemispheres – I NEVER want to do that again.

    Having said that – it was a REALLY good test of the relationship and we’re a lot closer now than we were when he left.

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