Is There No Privacy Anymore?

Is There No Privacy Anymore?

I love my husband to distraction. I won’t pretend that we never fight or say things to each other in anger. We are a normal couple. However, you will never see me air our fights and disagreements online. I will never post those little pictures / memes that denigrate husbands or marriages. You know, the ones that say when you get married you adopt a fully grown toddler etc. I have respect for him and for our union.

I am also not that wife that will whine about her husband to her friends – “Do you know, he took out the garbage and wanted applause?” – No. So not right. Marriage, well MY marriage at least, is sacred. It isn’t up for discussion.

I love my husband and I respect the position that he has in my life. I appreciate all that he does for me, and then some. I fail to understand those people who plaster their private life all over the interwebz for the world to see. You know when they are fighting with their partner, when and how they made up, and even how good the make-up session was (TMI all over the place these days). I mean, some people even live-blog their arguments, and catalog their spouse’s failings on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. No one forced anyone into marriage. If you choose to be married / in a committed relationship, respect your partner. Don’t denigrate him / her – online or off.

I am also not that wife that has to plaster “I LOVE YOU”s over her husband’s Facebook wall so that the whole world knows it. Again – that’s private. Those three words lose meaning when uttered repeatedly, banally, in the presence of the online folk. If you really truly love each other – that’s something to be shared privately, intimately. (Yes, I said it here twice, but I am proving a point.)

I am sure that if I wrote about our fights and disagreements, the honest warts-and-all posts – my readers would love it, it would make us more real. But where do you draw the line? Is nothing sacred anymore? Do we really have to poll our friends on whether the spouse’s words or actions were heinous or harmless? Whatever happened to actually talking things through with a life partner without hundreds of people watching the discussion online?

In this day and age we’re all sharing way too much, and I am probably guilty of it too, to some extent. I try very hard though, when it comes to my marriage to keep a lid on it. This also extends, by the way, to my previous marriage. You all know I am divorced, and I have NEVER ever blogged negatively about my ex. We were married, obviously there were reasons for our divorce (that are private) and we have kids together. As such he is also deserving of privacy and respect.

Is it difficult? Sure. Sometimes you want someone else to look at your situation as an outsider with no investment, to see if maybe they perceive the issue differently and can give you a fresh perspective. But outsiders are not living your life, they are not married to you and do not understand you in the way that a spouse can.

If you need people’s input on an issue in your marriage – go to marriage counseling, seek a therapist who can help you work through your problems. Don’t use the online world to run your life.

Where do you draw the line? In this day and age do you think it’s ok to share everything? Just because everyone else is doing it, does that make it right? Please weigh in with your thoughts.

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11 Comments

  1. Sarah A says:

    Agree with you totally! Some things just don’t have to be shared online.

  2. Gail Lobel Rand says:

    I completely agree, although I plead guilty to posting a public love note to my chatan on our anniversary last week :-)

  3. HaDassah,

    I personally cringe at TMI and online PDAs.

    BUT… I would say there is a time and place, even online. Recently, in our cancer community, a woman anonymously blogged about cancer’s impact on her marriage. This has opened up incredible conversations in our community. There is such a silence about this issue — people will talk about the mechanics of sex after cancer, or the marriages that are laid to waste — but nobody talks about the impact on a good marriage. This silence does harm to men and women, who are often idealized as “inspirational” while their suffering goes unnoticed.

    So I say there are times where the need to alleviate shared suffering merits TMI. If the purpose is just to vent and gain allies against your husband, then I say no.

    Here is the post if you are curious. http://womenwcancer.blogspot.com/2013/02/cancer-and-my-marriage.html

  4. Elisheva says:

    I agree 100%! I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not great at keeping all of my life off the internet but I’ve always strived to keep anything actually pertaining to my marriage off the internet. Yes I’ll post about food, or school and work issues. But I really think in many ways posting about your marriage can exasperate the situation.

  5. Hi HaDassah,

    Great post!

    I agree with you completely. We must maintain our privacy and respect for each other, husbands or otherwise. As you know, I mainly post about hockey! There’s a fine line between sharing and over-sharing.

    Nechama

  6. My husband and I were very clear on what I could and couldn’t write about him on my blog as were my family. We’re also very clear on what I can and cannot put on Facebook. My sisters have this thing when there’s big news when they say “don’t post this on Facebook yet” as in “right now, this is for your eyes only!”

  7. Susanne says:

    People criticized Ben Affleck after the Oscars for making the comment about how hard it is to make his marriage work. People thought he was airing a grievance when he was actually praising his wife and saying how strong and healthy their marriage is. It’s all about how we say things. Everyone knows relationships take work and aren’t always easy. I don’t think sharing anecdotes or jokes about marriage equates telling others you are having problems.

  8. Paula Hill says:

    I am another who has shared TMI when it comes to struggles and arguments as well as PDA. I finally realized that I was doing more damage by throwing things out to FB land than the struggles that prompted the post were. And in turn the outpouring of love and encouragement was sometimes seen as over compensating for the issues at hand. I have always been an emotions on my sleeve type of person. However, I have learned to respect my own privacy and have begun (I hope) doing a better job of keeping my rants to myself.
    If I have a grievance with my husband, I should take it to him and to God….not to the universe!
    But I still love him… however, the mushy stuff is best left to text… not everyone needs to know all the good stuffs either!! Thats what good girlfriends are for… not FB!

  9. Adina says:

    Thank you for this article. I also feel that my family’s, my husband and my kids, privacy needs to be respected. I feel uncomfortable when people bash their husband and even their kids online.

    I call the men and husband bashing the Papa Bear syndrome from the Berenstien Bear’s books. The authors always make Papa Bear look like a doofus and Mama Bear has all the answers. Don’t love the undercurrents of that message.

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