I can’t do it all…but think I can.

Why can I not accept help? Why do I see it as a failing on my part if I accept help or even ask for it? Why do I take it as a personal criticism when help is offered?

I have fought long and hard to be an independent woman. I was a single mother for a good chunk of time and eventually I didn’t have to rely on any one except myself for anything. But that also means that I didn’t allow myself to lean on anyone either. Initially, yes, I could barely stand on one foot, let alone on my own two feet and I accepted the support of my friends and community because at that point I had no choice. But I got through that, and ended up being fiercely independent. Being stubborn has helped me get through, but it isn’t so necessary now. I have a husband who adores me and is there for me – yet when he does something sweet and caring for me sometimes I see it as “controlling” (so not the KoD’s temperament) or him not trusting that I will get it done (totally not the case), when all it is is him helping me out. Partners are supposed to do that for each other. I do the same for him and he accepts it graciously. I need to accept that he cherishes me and therefore wishes to help me out. I need to accept that his help is NOT a judgment on my coping skills.

This week has been a very tough week for us. After two and half weeks together over the chagim in Monsey, I came back to Montreal. Alone. I have the kids with me, yes, but not my husband. Add hospital visits and being sick into the bargain, and it has been horrendous. I have been stuck in bed, weak as a kitten, unable to do much. The KoD has been stuck in Monsey, having to worry about me and care about me from afar. Talk about feeling ineffective. I am sure there is nothing he wanted more than to be here mopping my brow, helping with the kids, and taking care of his wife.

As I have said just before I don’t like to ask for help. Even from him. But I needed his help and when he made some calls for me without me specifically asking him, I got all huffy and upset even though I KNOW logically that I needed his help. I have to stop doing that. I didn’t even want to talk about it with the KoD, I just wanted to stew in my own juices, but he was refusing to leave it alone. Making me talk about how I feel is the only way I can understand that I have a problem, and denial is not a good state to be in. The ridiculous thing is, that if he were here, with me, I would gladly give up control of it all to him. Without a problem. But because this is my turf and I am “alone” here, it seems to be an issue.

Does anyone else have issues with this kind of thing? I love my KoD more than anything, and would do whatever it takes to make him happy and to make his life easier. He wants to do the same for me…..how can I allow myself to accept that with grace and without feeling judged?

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  1. Lady Lock and Load says:

    I am very similar and we have much in common. Be patient, you guys are in Shana Rishona and it’s just part of adjusting to one another. Also, don’t be hard on yourself, what you are describing is so normal. Just rest and pamper yourself as much as possible and don’t worry about anything.

  2. Z! says:

    Practice, practice, practice.

    It’s just that old habits die hard and our brains can get so hard wired sometimes into one way of thinking. It’s like it has a “mind of its own” and has a better “memory” than we do. It causes us to react in ways that are fit for survival, but not always a relationship.

    After difficult experiences we become cagey and question motives. We lose our sense of innocence, “trust” and commitment. The minute our brains sense a potentially bad situation, it takes over and makes us fight it. It’s totally normal, but does make it difficult sometimes.

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