Gratitude

As I wrote the other day, the boys are spending some time with their dad. I miss them more than I thought possible, but I am so thankful and grateful that they have this opportunity to spend a good amount of quality time with him. Ever since he and I split we have both made it a priority to encourage the relationship between each parent and the children. There has never been any trashing of the other parent in front of the kids, nor has there ever been anything negative said or even hinted at about the new spouses and step-siblings that entered the picture.

Sure, there have been fights and arguments and lawyers – we DID get divorced after all – but we kept all of that away from the children. We may have chosen to no longer be married to each other – but that divorce does not include the children. They did not ask for this. As the primary care giver for my children, it is my responsibility and my role to encourage and foster a good relationship between my kids and their dad. I cannot force it, but thankfully he is more than willing and loves his sons unconditionally.

I guess when both parents are on the same page – putting the children’s needs first – there can be a civil relationship, an entente cordiale. It is so tragic and sad to read about and hear stories of divorces where parental alienation is happening – where one parent does all s/he can to trash the relationship of the kids with the other parent. I just wish all divorced parents (maybe even all parents) could put their kids’ needs first at all times.

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13 Comments

  1. I think that is highly commendable of you, especially as your boys get older. It would be easy to talk about the other parent/step parent/siblings but taking the high road and NOT doing that teaches them a whole lot more.

  2. batya from NJ says:

    Kol Hakavod to you Hadassah for always trying to put your kids’ needs first & encouraging your boys to have a positive relationship with their step-mom & dad. That is VERY commendable & the mature way of dealing with divorce. It is sad when some parents try to alienate the other parent & step-parent after a divorce b/c it really does NOT help the children in the long run. How wonderful is it when kids are not caught in the middle of nasty arguments between exes & instead they are allowed the opportunity to feel the love from 3-4 adults (both parents & 1 or 2 step-parents)? That certainly seems to be the ideal situation in the event of a divorce & remarriage of 1 or both partners. It is sad for children when they are forced to take sides or when they are brainwashed by one parent to think poorly of the other parent. There is no justification for that kind of behavior unless the other parent (or step-parent) is abusive to the children in any way.

    I am impressed with your efforts to try to make lemonade out of lemons & how you always seem to go out of your way to be the best mom to your 4 boys who adore & respect you! I know you are anxiously awaiting for your boys to be done with school so that they can join you & the KoD in your new home iy”h. Hatzlacha & keep up the great work!!

  3. Yael Sandler says:

    You are really commendable (You omitted that it is often very hard to do as you are doing). I do believe in what you are doing: putting the children who never asked to have divorced parents, first. This morning I slipped up. I asked a child to contact her father and remind him about something. She, being self possessed person and having the innate sechel we bestowed on her, asked me to do it.
    So I emailed him.
    Sometimes it takes my children to remind me of what is right.

    • HSaboMilner says:

      Yael – we both know how hard it is. Doing the right thing is sometimes the hardest thing in the world. But when it means putting our children first – how can we fail to do it?

  4. shualah elisheva says:

    when i was working as a law clerk in anonymous small town, texas, i had to help work on a divorce case that left me constantly feeling as though i’d just chewed on a lemon. or an old gym sock.

    there was such bitterness, sourness, and stench in the way the two “parents” treated each other, at the expense of their son’s medical care [and he needed it].

    that was when i decided i couldn’t pursue divorce law as a career option – rarely does it involve such a balanced, caring, bright person as yourself, hadassah. the manner by which you’ve managed to let your family blossom post.divorce is unbelievably rare [in my experience].

    i find it incredibly sad when ex.wives or ex.husbands use children as pawns in some twisted version of relationship chess – only infusing their children with hate, instead of letting them see that they are loved by multiple people.

    kol hakavod to you, and i mean that with all the emphasis i can muster. and b’hatzlacha, too. i know your wee army of gentlemen is eagerly awaiting the day that they can join you with your k.o.d., and i also know that they understand why you are where you are.

    love is stronger than hate. remember that.

  5. Elayne says:

    Well said and done!

    I guess with the boys being there for a month they have worked out their food challenges.

  6. lady lock and load says:

    Excellent post. Reminds me of the letter I sent you of the girl whose mother poisened her against her father. When the girl grew up she realized she wanted a father in her life and she was upset with her mother for doing what she did. A parent has to see beyond themselves sometimes and focus on the big picture. maybe you want to “repost” that letter for those who may have missed it.

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