Dating? Tell the truth….or not

I have heard lately of several stories where people have been encouraged, by shadchanim (matchmakers) and rabbis, to flat out lie when they talk to a potential shidduch (date) or fill out a shidduch resume or fill out an online dating profile.

Photographs that are 10 years old, shaving 5-10 years off one’s age, not admitting to being a grandparent (for those people dating second time around, perhaps as young as 40…) are among the few things I have heard. Don’t mention you were ever sick, don’t say you are or have been on medication, don’t mention the tattoos, don’t mention that you served time in jail or have been married more than once.

I don’t know if I agree. I know that in the second time around dating scene finding someone is that much harder, and once you have been around the block you are generally schlepping pretty hefty baggage with you anyway. If your hair is grayer, and you have put on weight, I can see wanting to use an older picture – but it’s misrepresenting yourself. Your date will meet you and realize straight away that he/she has been misled.

I know there are some sensitive topics that need to only be discussed once there is a real possibility that a relationship can be established – but age? Grandchildren? These are fundamentals.

How can you start off what can potentially be a life together, with a lie?

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  1. frumgoth says:

    Being honest is the only way to go when it comes to dating. The lies will eventually come back to haunt you, and to destroy the trust that is essential in a relationship. As Sir Walter Scott put it “Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive”

  2. Mark says:

    Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay (and I’m not so sure even about this in all cases) to use small white lies in the beginning of dating, but to lie about such large things is totally insane. Now that doesn’t mean that every single “big thing” needs to be discussed on a first date, but some things are fundamental – having children, divorced, widowed, handicap (someone once tried to set me up with a girl that was missing a hand, but wouldn’t tell me), etc are just basics that must be known early on. Using the best picture you have, not 10 years earlier, but maybe a year or two earlier, I would classify as a “white lie”.

    For example, what if the man is a Kohen and there is no point in even starting with a divorcee or a widow?

    I often wonder “What are people thinking?” and “Are they even thinking in the first place?”

  3. balebusta says:

    never ever ever lie about yourself…the truth always comes out in the end…an occasional white lie to spare someone’s feelings from getting hurt may be ok….but being dishonest about who you are always backfires

  4. shoshi says:

    I completely agree.

    This is why avoid the “classical questions” when dating and try to get my own picture, asking questions where the person does not know right from the start what is the “right” or “wrong” answer…

  5. Giti says:

    Hadassa,
    Where shall I begin with my crazy dating stories from frumster?
    I dated one guy for three months from there, he wasnt all that bad except for the fact that at the end of the day ” he didnt have his act together”
    I dated another guy for a few weeks who claimed he was modern orthodox liberal, a 40 yr old father of two kids, only after those few weeks did I find out that he wasnt shomer shabbat or kosher? How’s that for a crazy story? But the best yet was..
    Are you ready for this, a single guy who claimed he was okay with the fact that I had a child, when it came down to it he definitely wasnt, we were all supposed to go to the beach together yesterday, my son, him and I ( was going to introduce him as a friend only) Last minute a birthday party came up for my sons classmate, the guy had the nerve to tell me that my son messed up our schedule, and I let him rule my life, he also told me that I look like I just woke up since I wasnt wearing makeup to go to the beach.. Weird and selfish and untactful if you ask ME!

  6. hadassahsabo says:

    the nerve – thats why i only dated guys who had kids – i felt that fathers would understand that they come first. in fact when the KoD finally met my kids, proposed etc, the kids even said to him “you do know, dont you, that you come fifth on the list”…

    you werent wearing make up to go to the beach? how could you even think that would be ok?? ;) – seriously, what are these guys smoking??

  7. Giti says:

    yep u are a million percent right, I, done dating single guys! Your kids are hysterical:) Just shows how much your hubby was the right one, btw what does kod stand for?

  8. hadassahsabo says:

    King of Diamonds, and I am his Queen of Hearts…

  9. Giti says:

    awwwwwwwwww….. so sweet, if you dont mind me asking, howd you meet ur hubby?

  10. Giti says:

    beautiful story.. it gives me hope:) thanks for sharing

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